My "drugs" (1/2 on My "dealings" with feelings)

Usual: to train not to "workout"

I never identified my drug without

Cause you don't think it's a drug that amounts

Check my endorphins, or get the fuck out

Hold on as I seek a way to clout

All this emotional I want to shout

Music is my second way to free

My mind from my personal insanity

Personal, it's only about what you see

A high that you can get for free

But will it really set you free

Or just put you on your knees? 

What is Usual? What follows?

Exercise is clearly like a drug to me, and I take it quite seriously because I need it to balance my energy levels and in effect many other aspects of my daily life.  I guess my habit started in High School, when I would add on an extra training session of my own after Cross Country practice in the fall, after Wrestling practice in the Winter and after spring track practice and usually before lacrosse practice in the spring.  I felt a need to do it.  My sleep was pretty skewed during high school, but after a tiring school day sometimes running on 4-5 hours of sleep, I would look forward to "waking up" from the "pump" of a highly physical practice.  

So this winter semester taking a course in Intro to Philosophy of Religion at Rutgers, I fell out of my discipline for 2 a days and it has bled into this semester.  I know my psyche directly suffers from it, because I know how much strength I retain even without consistently training, which is a slap in the face to me - I can only imagine how much better I'd be if I was consistent!!!  As my wrestling coach once told our team "you have 3 options when you walk in that [wrestling room] door: get better, stay the same, or get worse."  He then directly equated staying the same with getting worse, because relative to your opponents, they are getting better, so you would be worse still relative to them. 

It makes it more frustrating when I got sick for the second time, last Tuesday/Wednesday, so training fell out and was substituted with resting.  I realize I start listening to more music.  Less writing and desire to writing actually, as I've not touched my reflective evening journal for the past few days - my willpower falls.  The music serves as a number, or rather a dumber, something that just takes my time and energy away from thinking, but doesn't help me produce any of my own feelings, reflections, powers.  I can't quite let it flow.  I have danced today, which helped me get the will to write this finally.  Slowly getting back what I need..

You may be like yeah whatever, or yeah you still can do crazy calisthenics shit (which anyone can too with the time put in and right path followed), but I can't flow without this, I need a way to grow, to spread, or I'm basically.. dead