A RAW MOMENT('S/S). NOTICE.

I don't give a fuck about editing this (Though I did read it over a few times and still edit a tiny bit) :) I will be thoughtful as I can and slowly write this, but I seriously want to put this out there and am never solely writing for myself.  As I build myself up through the chaos I sometimes too eagerly sign up for, I can create more thoughtful writing for y'all.  But take this from a pained heart, no matter how you take it, you can't take me apart.

Also, I think sometimes we just want to write, or talk, or express through movement or stillness how we are just at those moments.  There is writing that evolves, but raw expression is as good as it can be in those moments which you have in the short time people have their attention on it.  I think we should produce something of good yet spontaneous quality everyday, but still have those bigger projects in mind for the long run too. You pace it all too..

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It's hard to keep track of everything, let alone to be aware of it when it comes up in action or your mind..

It makes it difficult too to deal with it when we do recognize it, while there are many other stressors out there. 

I find difficulty in navigating my thoughts when I do not take very thoughtful courses in school or do not meditate or deal with things on the surface level or miss friends to engage with deeply.

And on top, there's chaos !?!

As a teacher, or as a real hardass. You.. sometimes decide which.

I find myself getting spooked by chaos too often.  Chaos as in too much shit to handle at once, too many feelings and thoughts and actions and outside interactions or phenomena fuckin' with yo' flow.  I'm talking enough chaos where it's hard to find a way to express how it occurs and move on or the time or space to. But sometimes we can take it, let it seep in, and still make it to the next thing.

Most times though, we might agree it ferments into something much stickier, trickier, and stinkier.  This either erupts like a shaken cola or exhausts us like those extended and much delayed journeys we may have to mundane, yet expecting-something-of-us places.

Chaos hopefully gets you to consider your priorities at least.  If you haven't, you should in a coming moment 

:) 

My first priorities are to move, to soothe, to ground, to serve, to groove.  These things are in circles with my natural tendencies. They are also important to have balanced in order to do that which comes afterwards in priority level… which is to work, to search, to help others to also search. These things involve more effort, but ultimately don't need to be done - I could simply exist, if for a span of time.  But I believe I must dedicate as much of my waking time as my abilities allow to this second set of activities.

This first set of things is very difficult to develop, but when focused on, they build the capacity to do the second set of things.  But if the second set of things is focused on too much, then both sets of things tend to perform more poorly. 

I move, soothe, and ground by moving my body both vigorously and smoothly, at various speeds, various pace, various ranges, various intentions and various disciplines.  The soothing is essentially returning myself to that inner peace or a state of being sufficient, and the grounding is returning to strength, really just returning to action with intention, or being prepared to react with intention.  I recently told a great friend that my religion was to move some way, some how, everyday.  This has been true in so many ways, and although simple, its simplicity makes it applicable to every being, every creature out there.  For many animals it is all they "know", though those which are not free to roam may not experience that unfortunately.. but wait.. aren't human animals in that category as well as some of their typical diet?  (SEE THE AWFUL CHAIR, THE AWFUL FENCE, THE AWFUL CAGE)

The groove.. Is what it is, however it comes about, let it go or flow, it really takes some practice within whatever you want to become groovy within. I felt it especially this summer, but in a weird way when I did the GORUCK endurance challenges, I would be numb to pain or previous nuisances for  maybe a week or two after the events.  I felt quite on top of my game, but I felt insensitive too, which I was wary of, and especially while doing risky things like biking to commute.  This insensitivity carried some wariness to my sexual energy or intentions too, I felt like I was not able to express myself in the ways I wanted, to be sensitive to other people's pains and pleasures.    However, the groove can be immensely harmonious and awesome, not necessarily like that experience.  I started to become more sensitive and mindful later that summer, when I meditated and allowed more space for stillness.  That space and allowance of your attention to wander through your bodily sensations is vital to balance with the challenges you give your body.  These things balanced, I felt satisfied with all my progress, no matter how big or small.  School started to wear that vibe and balance away quickly though.  The interactions with people who were less aware of their bodies than I and less oriented towards bodily-being really quickly set me more on their level of being - more concerned with material things, with grades, with statuses, with social medias.  As I'm writing this, I would say I've come further from that annoying suck, though the stress still sucks, I hope for the flow to come again soon :>

But the plus you should realize I got to enjoy with this surge of people at the start of school is that I can serve them in ways they couldn't previously perceive!  Just by enjoying your body's movements and energies - easy example is dancing a bit or a lot as you interact - you can boost the mood of almost any social encounter.   I also try to share my ideas and insights when there are good opportunities to do so, or smile often as they are open to a smile. 

Work involves time, I don't care what physics equations say!  But it also involves a goal, sets of actions to achieve that goal, and yourself doing those "right actions" to make it all happen.  It is a grind, but often takes more time or more effort or more thought or a more "chill" approach to get it done well.  I'm working towards flawless handstand, then after that flawless handstand pushups, then one armed handstands, then so many other things.. I'm also working on school, and all the things of that first set I described. Work is a part of improvement, but it is not necessary for happiness and sufficient being.  Enjoy life without work as a focal point, I dare you.

The searching is to find that work.  But don't simply work or search SO you can work.  Work out of an intention that you REALIZE.  Realize things by exploring, not by researching, not by cherrypicking, not by googling, not by scratching the surface of things.  Explore by immersion, explore from afar, explore in all kinds of scenarios and change your perspective of all the things you have in your sights. This involves lots of time too, but its nothing you should rush..  I have lots I still have to explore, and they involve my feelings on the military, doing service, how I'm developing and might need to develop better, risks inherent in the paths I choose, the communit(ies)y I wish to establish, the beautiful creatures in my life now..  So much.  But I can't simply choose right now what to do for the rest of my life. I can only choose this moment what to do for this moment and to prepare for patterns of future moments.