I don't give a fuck
about editing this (Though I did read it over a few times and still edit a tiny bit) :) I will be thoughtful as I can and slowly write this, but
I seriously want to put this out there and am never solely writing for
myself. As I build myself up through the
chaos I sometimes too eagerly sign up for, I can create more thoughtful writing
for y'all. But take this from a pained
heart, no matter how you take it, you can't take me apart.
Also, I think
sometimes we just want to write, or talk, or express through movement or
stillness how we are just at those moments. There is
writing that evolves, but raw expression is as good as it can be in those
moments which you have in the short time people have their attention on it. I think we should produce something of good yet spontaneous quality everyday, but still have those bigger projects in mind for the long run
too. You pace it all too..
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It's hard to keep
track of everything, let alone to be aware of it when it comes up in action or
your mind..
It makes it
difficult too to deal with it when we do recognize it, while there are many
other stressors out there.
I find difficulty in navigating my thoughts when I do not take very thoughtful
courses in school or do not meditate or deal with things on the surface level
or miss friends to engage with deeply.
And on top, there's
chaos !?!
As a teacher, or as
a real hardass. You.. sometimes decide which.
I find myself
getting spooked by chaos too often.
Chaos as in too much shit to handle at once, too many feelings and
thoughts and actions and outside interactions or phenomena fuckin' with yo' flow. I'm talking enough chaos where it's hard to find a
way to express how it occurs and move on or the time or space to. But sometimes
we can take it, let it seep in, and still make it to the next thing.
Most times though,
we might agree it ferments into something much stickier, trickier, and
stinkier. This either erupts like a
shaken cola or exhausts us like those extended and much delayed journeys we may
have to mundane, yet expecting-something-of-us places.
Chaos hopefully gets you to consider your priorities at least. If you haven't, you should in a coming moment
:)
My first priorities
are to move, to soothe, to ground, to serve, to groove. These things are in circles with my natural
tendencies. They are also important to have balanced in order to do that which comes afterwards in priority
level… which is to work, to search, to help others to also search. These things
involve more effort, but ultimately don't need to be done - I could simply
exist, if for a span of time. But I
believe I must dedicate as much of my waking time as my abilities allow to this
second set of activities.
This first set of
things is very difficult to develop, but when focused on, they build the
capacity to do the second set of things.
But if the second set of things is focused on too much, then both sets
of things tend to perform more poorly.
I move, soothe, and
ground by moving my body both vigorously and smoothly, at various speeds,
various pace, various ranges, various intentions and various disciplines. The soothing is essentially returning myself
to that inner peace or a state of being sufficient, and the grounding is
returning to strength, really just returning to action with intention, or being
prepared to react with intention. I recently told a great friend that my religion was to move some way, some how, everyday. This has been true in so many ways, and although simple, its simplicity makes it applicable to every being, every creature out there. For many animals it is all they "know", though those which are not free to roam may not experience that unfortunately.. but wait.. aren't human animals in that category as well as some of their typical diet? (SEE THE AWFUL CHAIR, THE AWFUL FENCE, THE AWFUL CAGE)
The groove.. Is what
it is, however it comes about, let it go or flow, it really takes some practice
within whatever you want to become groovy within. I felt it especially this
summer, but in a weird way when I did the GORUCK endurance challenges, I would be numb to
pain or previous nuisances for maybe a
week or two after the events. I felt
quite on top of my game, but I felt insensitive too, which I was wary of, and
especially while doing risky things like biking to commute. This insensitivity carried some wariness to
my sexual energy or intentions too, I felt like I was not able to express
myself in the ways I wanted, to be sensitive to other people's pains and
pleasures. However, the groove can be
immensely harmonious and awesome, not necessarily like that experience. I started to become more sensitive and
mindful later that summer, when I meditated and allowed more space for
stillness. That space and allowance of
your attention to wander through your bodily sensations is vital to balance
with the challenges you give your body.
These things balanced, I felt satisfied with all my progress, no matter
how big or small. School started to wear
that vibe and balance away quickly though.
The interactions with people who were less aware of their bodies than I
and less oriented towards bodily-being really quickly set me more on their
level of being - more concerned with material things, with grades, with statuses, with social medias. As I'm writing this, I would say I've come further from that annoying suck, though the stress still sucks, I hope for the flow to come again soon :>
But the plus you
should realize I got to enjoy with this surge of people at the start of school
is that I can serve them in ways they couldn't previously perceive! Just by enjoying your body's movements and
energies - easy example is dancing a bit or a lot as you interact - you can boost the mood of almost any social encounter.
I also try to share my ideas and insights when there are good
opportunities to do so, or smile often as they are open to a smile.
Work involves time,
I don't care what physics equations say!
But it also involves a goal, sets of actions to achieve that goal, and
yourself doing those "right actions" to make it all happen. It is a grind, but often takes more time or
more effort or more thought or a more "chill" approach to get it done
well. I'm working towards flawless
handstand, then after that flawless handstand pushups, then one armed
handstands, then so many other things.. I'm also working on school, and all the
things of that first set I described. Work is a part of improvement, but it is not necessary for happiness and sufficient being. Enjoy life without work as a focal point, I dare you.
The searching is to find that work. But don't simply work or search SO you can work. Work out of an intention that you REALIZE. Realize things by exploring, not by
researching, not by cherrypicking, not by googling, not by scratching the
surface of things. Explore by immersion,
explore from afar, explore in all kinds of scenarios and change your
perspective of all the things you have in your sights. This involves lots of
time too, but its nothing you should rush..
I have lots I still have to explore, and they involve my feelings on the
military, doing service, how I'm developing and might need to develop better,
risks inherent in the paths I choose, the communit(ies)y I wish to establish,
the beautiful creatures in my life now..
So much. But I can't simply
choose right now what to do for the rest of my life. I can only choose this moment
what to do for this moment and to prepare for patterns of future moments.
